How Often Is Too Often to Look at Your Ex's Social Media
You lot haven't dated your ex in years. In fact, you lot might exist in a totally happy relationship now, or simply 100 percent positive yous're over the breakup. Simply every once in a while, you notice yourself bored in bed and all of a sudden on their Instagram, then on their new girlfriend'south Instagram, so on your ex's Twitter to see if they ever reference their new relationship.
After xx minutes, you realize yous simply spent a chunk of time you'll never go back scoping out the life of someone you genuinely don't care nearly anymore. Or practise you lot? What does this mean? Why do yous keep doing this? Why are you like this???
Despite how utterly cringey you might experience, this is c ompletely normal. "I don't remember in that location was ever a time where nosotros weren't interested in our exes or who they're dating," says Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences of the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. "Maybe at present information technology'southward just easier to track and follow [them]."
Having a digital trail to your past relationships so readily bachelor makes it hard for fifty-fifty the almost indifferent person non to check in on their high school boyfriend every and so oft. Hither are all the reasons you go along compulsively checking your ex'southward Insta from time to fourth dimension... and why it's ok to exist like this.
1. Social media reminds you of your ex constantly.
"What I commonly hear is you're not even trying to bank check, just they volition pop up in your feed, which can be more hurtful because y'all're not fifty-fifty looking," says Dr. Marlynn Wei, a psychiatrist and therapist in New York City and writer of The Harvard Medical Schoolhouse Guide to Yoga. Even if yous were proactive and blocked your ex because you weren't prepare for fresh updates, seeing an unexpected pic of them from a mutual friend tin pull you into a masochistic stalking sesh.
"Facebook doesn't assistance — it will show you what y'all were doing five years ago, and y'all didn't fifty-fifty inquire," says Dr. Whitbourne. Can you lot actually blame yourself for checking their Instagram when a pic of you making out in college resurfaces on your Facebook feed?
2. Instagram doesn't show you the whole picture.
About people don't become on to have super close relationships with their ex. And Dr. Mei notes that unless you're actually talking to them on a regular basis, you're non getting an accurate picture of what their life is like. "You're just peering through the window," she adds.
Since people tend to postal service simply positive things, information technology's easy to immediately get jealous of your ex later on casually browsing their page, even if yous went into information technology with neutral feelings. According to a 2009 report on peoples' ex-surveillance habits on Facebook, the results suggested that "Facebook may expose an individual to potentially jealousy-provoking information about their partner, which creates a feedback loop whereby heightened jealousy leads to increased surveillance of a partner's Facebook page."
Basically, seeing your ex looking similar they're happier than you are at the moment – even though you're in no way remorseful about losing them – can brand y'all want to deep-swoop more to ostend that they're not really all that blissfully content if you're currently feeling vulnerable or even a footling sad about your own life.
3. Using apps like Insta, your ex can subtly *and* deliberately go your attention.
If your ex does like a hot photo of you or watched all eight of your stories in a row, it's easy to recall more securely about it, and, inevitably, end upwards on their contour once more. "Information technology'south a linguistic communication in and of itself and at that place are more than ways people can communicate how they feel most someone," says Dr. Wei.
Except different really calling you lot up and talking to you, doing either of those things requires lilliputian effort or bravery on the part of your ex, but it gets you lot to detect them and access their profile with a click of their handle. Perhaps they're nonetheless into you, maybe they're only bored and want the ego boost of knowing y'all might check out their profile, but information technology works every fourth dimension.
iv. You might exist looking for patterns of what went incorrect.
There's a difference between checking your ex's profile to ostend that, yup, you lot're very dissimilar people and were right to break up, or searching their old posts for tiny red flags you might've missed. "You go back and look for clues from the past considering you have things documented that you used to merely have in your memory," says Dr. Whitbourne. It'due south one thing to call back your ex felt kind of distant through the 2nd one-half of the human relationship – information technology'due south some other to be able to go back to their page and visually track when they stopped posting pics of you together.
Whitbourne adds that this could really be therapeutic and helpful if y'all've had a couple of people abruptly break up with you and want to practice some soul-searching, similar realizing that you massively overshared or went out a lot and never fabricated fourth dimension for them. Even if yous're totally happy that the relationship is over, cocky-reflection – if it's done in a way that'due south kind to yourself – is never a bad thing.
But here's the proficient news: you lot'll probably know when you've gone too far.
"Usually people know if it's likewise much for them – they don't experience adept after they keep checking," says Dr. Wei. "I think that you can be happy and still call back nigh people that y'all've lost in your life – a breakup is a loss. Having thoughts about [your ex] is normal, but you lot take to think about what role checking on them playing in your life now."
It's fairly easy to tell if your occasional habit is toxic to your mental health: if you feel mostly feel neutral after checking their profile, or can easily castor off a minor tour of jealousy, you lot're likely simply checking because it'southward there and yous have some spare fourth dimension. Just "constantly checking and thinking [nigh them] and using other people to rail them because you don't desire to get defenseless – all of these things are signs that this is going a chip too far," says Dr. Whitbourne.
You have to trust that yous'll know when to draw the line with yourself and blast that block button.
And near importantly: Y'all don't need to be then difficult on yourself.
Dr. Wei states that she's had patients get really angry with themselves for caring about their ex. "To criticize and say it'due south terrible or it means you lot haven't moved on, why haven't you lot moved on, like it's a competition – that vocalisation people often carry in themselves," she says.
Whether you're even so hung up on the breakdown or casually browsing, treating yourself like a freak is not only unnecessarily mean to yourself, it'south inaccurate because so, and so many people practice this and it doesn't really say anything virtually you.
"I recall that you can exist happy and still call up about people that you've lost in your life," says Dr. Wei. "I would actually want to encourage people to be compassionate to themselves and not to guess or criticize what they're doing every bit an abnormal thing."
So the next time y'all're procrastinating on a paper and you click your ex'southward profile afterward they've watched your story, chill. Enjoy the scenery of their vacation pics taken with a questionable filter. You're proficient.
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